


family what??

by leathermxuth



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (except luther), (they lost vanya in a store), Allison is a mother hen, Ben is alive, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Five is soft for Vanya, Gen, Good Sibling Ben Hargreeves, Good Sibling Klaus Hargreeves, Good Sibling Number Five | The Boy, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Multi, No Incest, Other, Sassy Vanya, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, allison is a good sister, also stoner!vanya, ben is so done, ben is so done lol, but hes not my favorite!!, diego is nice, five has a soft spot for vanya, gays keysmashing bc i said so, good diego :), hargreeve siblings agree vanya is the youngest and the baby of the family, i dont take criticism, idc idc, im projecting onto vanya, like unbelievable, lol vanya needs sleep, lots of crack, not much tho i promise!!, only platonic though!!, shes also funny, some angst in ch 5, some slight luther bashing, tags are to change as i update!!, the hargreeves are somewhat irresponsible, uhhh sibling blackmail bc yeah, vanya is agender and uses they/them, vanya is now fives child, vanya is tiny, vanya thinks theyre not the youngest/baby, warning only for language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27291016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leathermxuth/pseuds/leathermxuth
Summary: [Luther Hargreeves has added Allison Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves, Five Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves, and Vanya Hargreeves to chat][Luther Hargreeves has renamed chat to "Family Group Chat"]Diego Hargreeves: why am i in this?Vanya Hargreeves: yea wtfLuther Hargreeves: You guys are in this chat because it's a family group chat.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Everyone, Everyone & Everyone, Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 83
Kudos: 251
Collections: The Umbrella Academy





	1. h e l l o ? ?

**Author's Note:**

> hehe this is a crack fic. It's really the best i can come up with during school and having no inspo to write anything serious. Hopefully you guys will like this (probably not but thats okay)

**[Luther Hargreeves has added Allison Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves, Five Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves, and Vanya Hargreeves to chat]**

  
**[Luther Hargreeves has renamed chat to "Family Group Chat"]**

**Diego Hargreeves:** why am i in this?

**Vanya Hargreeves:** yea wtf 

**Luther Hargreeves:** You guys are in this chat because it's a family group chat. 

**Klaus Hargreeves:** this seems like a very straight thing of you Luther

**Five Hargreeves:** ^^

**Allison Hargreeves:** omg Five agrees with Klaus for once!! 

**Ben Hargreeves:** so Five, how's it feel agreeing with Klaus?? 

**Five Hargreeves:** i will stab you if you mention it again 

**Vanya Hargreeves:** uh oh, i think its nap time for you Five 

**Five Hargreeves:**...

**Diego Hargreeves:** Vanya you should run....

**Ben Hargreeves:** i think its too late for her :/ 

**Allison Hargreeves:** i heard screaming then laughing...should i be concerned?? 

**Five Hargreeves:** no 

**Vanya Hargreeves:** yes 

**Five Hargreeves:** at least i didn't kill you 

**Vanya Hargreeves:** -_- 

**Five Hargreeves:** >:)

**Luther Hargreeves:** This group chat is only for emergencies!

**Klaus Hargreeves:** tHiS gRoUp ChAt Is OnLy FoR eMeRgEnCiEs !1!1!

**Luther Hargreeves:** Don't do that!

**Vanya Hargreeves:** fine we wont do that but ill do this instead 

**[Vanya Hargreeves has changed their name to "violin bitch"]**

**Luther Hargreeves:** You can't have that name!

**Vanya Hargreeves:** too late >:) 

**Klaus Hagreeves:** OOO WAIT THIS GAVE ME AN IDEA 

**Ben Hargreeves:** oh no 

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed their name to "sees dead people"]**

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed Ben Hargreeves name to "dead people"]**

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed Diego Hargreeves name to "knife b0i"]**

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed Allison Hargreeves name to "famous lady"]**

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed Five Hargreeves name to "smol and angry"]**

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed Luther Hargreeves name to "ape man"]**

**[Klaus Hargreeves has changed violin bitch name to "little sister"]**

**dead people:** bro- 

**dead people:** i hate you 

**sees dead people:** hehe but it's true!! 

**smol and angry:** i am a very skilled assassin, my height doesn't change that 

**sees dead people:** mhm...but youre still short and small so...

**ape man:** This was uncalled for, Klaus!

**knife b0i:** ya know...mine isn't all that bad 

**knife b0i:** thx Klaus 

**sees dead people:** my pleasure dearest brother of mine!! :D 

**famous lady:** mine isn't so bad. I can live with this 

**little sister:** ....

**[little sister has added sees dead people, smol and angry, and dead people to new chat]**

**smol and angry:** V, what is this chat for? 

**little sister:** i need to say something and i only trust you guys with it for right now

**sees dead people:** uh oh. are you pregnant?? 

**dead people:** Klaus, shes a lesbian. she cant get pregnant -_-

**little sister:** theyre*, they*

**sees dead people:**???

**dead people:** ^^

**smol and angry:** i get it 

**dead people:** h o w ? ? 

**sees dead people:** Vanny what does this mean??

**little sister:**...i go by they/them pronouns...im agender 

**sees dead people:** ooooooh 

**dead people:** so that means you dont go by gender right?? I just want to make sure im right 

**little sister:** yes 

**dead people:** okay, and i still support you!! <3 

**little sister:** thanks ben <3 

**smol and angry:** i support you too Vanya. no matter how you identify :] 

**little sister:** thanks Five <3 

**sees dead people:** ill change your name on the chat!! and youll always be my younger sibling** <3

**little sister:** thanks Klaus <3 AND IM THE SAME AGE AS YOU?? 

**sees dead people:** nah you def seem like the youngest 

**dead people:** ^

**smol and angry:** ^^

**little sister:** i hate you all >:(

**smol and angry:** and we love you too >:)

**[sees dead people has changed little sister name to "the youngest"]**

**the youngest:** I AM NOT THE YOUNGEST!! WE ARE THE SAME AGE!!

**knife b0i:** nahh you ARE the youngest 

**famous lady:** ^^what he said

**sees dead people:** told you youre the youngest :D 

**the youngest:** we havent heard what luther thinks 

**ape man:** We are all the same age. Nobody is younger or older. 

**smol and angry:** exCUSE ME

**ape man:** What? What did I say wrong?

**dead people:** inst five older than all of us in his conscience??

**smol and angry:** THANK YOU!!

**ape man:** But he looks 13?

**the youngest:** luther dont question it 

**knife b0i:** yeah or he'll just tell you that youre dumb 

**smol and angry:** i never called you dumb??

**knife b01:** it was implied

**smol and angry:** yeah well if i actually told you that you were dumb you wouldve thrown a knife at me 

**knife b01:**....


	2. Mcr once said to sleep, but we aren't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vanya, five, and klaus are insomniacs jklsdfdshlfkdsl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i posted chapter one a few hours ago, but i already had chapter two written so im posting it now (would've done it earlier but its my brothers bday and we had old friends over)
> 
> also my friend on tumblr (also loves mcr) said to do this title so i did. if youre the friend from tumblr, then heyo :)
> 
> anyways enjoy this ig

**sees dead people:** HEY BITCHES 

**ape man:** Klaus, it's the middle of the night. Go to sleep. 

**sees dead people:** no<3 

**the youngest:** haha no sleep gang wya 

**smol and angry:** im here

**dead people:** go to sleep or make a new chat pleaseeeeee

**knife b0i:** yeah, some of us have WORK tomorrow!! 

**famous lady:** and some of us dont appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night!!!!

**sees dead people:** >:(

**sees dead people:** you guys suck 

**[sees dead people has added the youngest, smol and angry in new chat]**

**[sees dead people has changed chat name to "no sleep gang"]**

**[the youngest has changed sees dead people name to "insomniac on crack 1"]**

**[the youngest has changed smol and angry name to "insomniac on crack 2"]**

**insomniac on crack 1:** this feels like a callout

**insomniac on crack:** idk how i should feel about it 

**insomniac on crack 2:** well they made it rhyme so idk what to say 

**[the youngest has changed their name to "the better insomniac"]**

**the better insomniac:** you should be proud i made it rhyme :(

**the better insomniac:** it took me a few minutes to think of names for you guys :(

**insomniac on crack 2:** Vanya, how long did you think for names??

**the better insomniac:**...like 10 minutes :( 

**insomniac on crack 1:** IT TOOK YOU 10 MINUTES??!! 

**the better insomniac:** yea :((

**insomniac on crack 2:** i- wha- 

**insomniac on crack 1:** mood ^^

**the better insomniac:** you guys are mean >:[

**insomniac on crack 1:** aweee does the baby of the family want to be babied?? :))

**the better insomniac:** i h a t e y o u : )

**insomniac on crack 2:** lmaooo i think theyre not happy with you Klaus

**insomniac on crack 1:** i dont see the problem

**insomniac on crack 1:** theyre the baby of the family???

**insomniac on crack 1:** and they deserve to be babied??? 

**the better insomniac:** I AM NOT THE BABY!!!! >:(

**insomniac on crack 2:** ...thats...thats what the baby would say...

**the better insomniac:** Five i will come for your kneecaps 

**the better insomniac:** try me bitch :)

**insomniac on crack 1:** oop-

**insomniac on crack 2:** i think its nap time for the baby 

**the better insomniac:** DONT USE MY WORDS AGAINST ME!! >:((

**insomniac on crack 2:** i will and i already did >:)

**insomniac on crack 2:** d e a l w i t h i t 

**insomniac on crack 1:** OOOOOOOOOO

**the better insomniac:** this is a gang up and i hate you both >:(

**insomniac on crack 1:** guys Ben just came into my room and told me "shut the fuck up and go to sleep fucker" because he could hear me laughing

**insomniac on crack 2:** rip Klaus

**the better insomniac:** haha ben is so done with Klaus

**insomniac on crack 1:** he told me to tell you guys to go to sleep or hes gonna commit 3 murders tonight

**insomniac on crack 1:** and frankly Ben tired and angry is scary 

**insomniac on crack 1:** so goodnight you bitches!! 

**the better insomniac:** well damn goodnight then 

**insomniac on crack 2:** night 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna follow my fandom tumblr, the link is https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lesbeansfandoms (main blog is in bio) 
> 
> also comment some requests you'd like to see in later chapters!! :D 
> 
> (ALSO ITS ALMOST FRANK IERO'S BIRTHDAY IN MY TIME SO PLEASE TAG ME IN FRANK STUFF ON MY FANDOM BLOG PLEASEEEEE AND THANK YOUUU!!!!)


	3. dude wtf are you listening to??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hargreeves discuss their music taste...but it's nothing that you'd think....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmaooo i write this as i listen to music that my rl friends would think isnt my style 
> 
> why im like this?? idek lol 
> 
> heres what genre im saying they listen to (with examples):
> 
> luther: pop (one direction)  
> diego: pop (big time rush (my childhood band and also better than 1D imo))  
> allison: 80s music (Hall & Oats)  
> klaus: meme music (you reposted in the wrong neighborhood)  
> five: oldies (etta james)  
> ben: indie (jack stauber)  
> vanya: rock and some punk (mcr (rock) and leathermouth (punk))

**knife b0i:** whoever's playing their music

 **knife b0i:** wtf are you listening to??

**ape man:** Whoops, I didn't know you could hear it. 

**knife b0i:** bro i can hear it from the kitchen 

**ape man:** I didn't think it was that loud. Sorry. 

**famous lady:** yeah..

**knife b0i:** dude what are you listening to??

 **knife b0i:** it sounds familiar in some way 

**sees dead people:** OMFG

**famous lady:** WHAT?!

**sees dead people:** I KNOW WHAT LUTHERS LISTENING TO !!!!! 

**ape man:** Klaus, please don't tell them! 

**knife b0i:** klaus you should tell us!!

**famous lady:** ^ 

**sees dead people:** ONE 

**sees dead people:** DIRECTION

**famous lady:** OMGOMGOMGOMG 

**famous lady:** NO WAY 

**famous lady:** LUTHER WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME??!!

**ape man:** I was embarrassed to tell anyone. 

**knife b0i:** im sorry what- 

**knife b0i:** one direction?? 

**knife b0i:** YOU LIKE THEIR MUSIC?? 

**knife b0i:** im glad we arent related 

**sees dead people:** thats harsh mi hermano 

**famous lady:** yeah!! 

**famous lady:** should i tell them what YOU listen to, Diego??

**knife b0i:** nO-

 **knife b0i:** YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT!!!!! >:( 

**ape man:** What does Diego listen to Allison?

**sees dead people:** tell us!! 

**knife b0i:** if you tell them you will become the worst sister ever!! 

**famous lady:** hmm....

 **famous lady:** fine 

**knife b0i:** thank you :)

**famous lady:** Diego listens to Big Time Rush !! 

**sees dead people:** NO WAY 

**sees dead people:** LIKE FR??

**famous lady:** yep!! 

**famous lady:** he cries during the song "Worldwide" 

**knife b0i:** >:(

**[knife b0i has changed famous lady name to "the worst sister ever"]**

**ape man:** Ew, you like Big Time Rush?

**knife b0i:** YOU LISTEN TO ONE DIRECTION WHAT DO YOU MEAN "EW YOU LISTEN TO BIG TIME RUSH"!

**ape man:** One Direction is better than Big Time Rush. Everyone knows that. 

**knife b0i:** im sorry what-

**famous lady:** uh oh 

**sees dead people:** this wont end well 

**knife b0i:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN 1D IS BETTER THAN BTR?! 

**knife b0i:** BTR IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN 1D!!!!

 **knife b0i:** IM REALLY GLAD WE'RE NOT RELATED NOW 

**ape man:** Btr wishes they were as good as 1D!

**knife b0i:** BTR CAME FIRST SOO

 **knife b0i:** WHO WISHES IF THEY WERE AS GOOD WHO NOW?!

**ape man:** One Direction!

**knife b0i:** Big Time Rush!

**dead people:** wtf is going on here??

**the youngest:** yea like me, Ben, and Five went to get lunch and our phones kept going off

**sees dead people:** to shorten the story...

 **sees dead people:** Luther likes 1d and Diego likes btr

 **sees dead people:** now theyre fighting over which is the better band

**smol and angry:** they're both idiots 

**knife b0i:** ok then Five, what do YOU listen to??

**smol and angry:** oldies

 **smol and angry:** like Etta James 

**ape man:** Etta James?

**smol and angry:** youre too young if you dont know her song "At Last" or "I'd Rather Go Blind"

**the youngest:** oooo those are good songs!! 

**famous lady:** Vanya, you listen to Etta James?? 

**the youngest:** yea?? 

**the youngest:** i hang out a lot with ben and five??

 **the youngest:** so i listen to their music a lot??

**smol and angry:** Klaus, do you know who Etta James is????

**sees dead people:** nada 

**smol and angry:** seems like the only cultured people in this family is me, V, Ben, and Allison 

**smol and angry:** Luther, Diego, and Klaus... you guys are uncultured swines

**famous lady:** oop- 

**ape man:** That's rude of you, Five.

**sees dead people:** did you think he would be nice??

**knife b0i:** no

**famous lady:** no

**the youngest:** nah 

**dead people:** no??

**ape man:** Yes.

**sees dead people:** well,, you listen to 1d so that gives more reason for him to be rude 

**ape man:** He'd probably be rude to you based on your music too!

**dead people:** Klaus has an... odd taste in music

**smol and angry:** what does he listen to?? 

**[sees dead people has sent a link to a video called "you reposted to the wrong neighborhood"]**

**knife b0i:** its catchy but wtf

**ape man:** That song was not appropriate! 

**the youngest:** but we're all adults in this chat tho??

**famous lady:** i mean it was a little vulgar??

 **famous lady:** but it wasnt that bad though 

**smol and angry:** the music sounds like something Ben would listen to 

**dead people:** dont bring me into this!!

**sees dead people:** ah yes

 **sees dead people:** what was the name of that one song you showed me??

 **sees dead people:** it was like "tears falling down at the party. saddest little baby in the room"

**famous lady:** isnt that "Oh Klahoma" by Jack something??

**dead people:** Jack Stauber**

 **dead people:** and yes 

**the youngest:** okay so we know everyone elses music taste except for Allison's

**ape man:** What do you listen to, Allison? 

**knife b0i:** its probably some sad love songs 

**sees dead people:** pffFFFT

**the youngest:** y i k e s 

**famous lady:** oh very funny Diego

 **famous lady:** but I like 80s music

**ape man:** That's cool, Allie!

**smol and angry:** the 80s has some enjoyable music

**knife b0i:** ^^

**the youngest:** i like some 80s music

**dead people:** ^

 **dead people:** hey Vanya, maybe we should tell everyone what YOU listen to >:)

**smol and angry:** i think that we should >:D

**the youngest:** NO!!

 **the youngest:** THEY WOULD NEVER LOOK AT ME THE SAME!!

 **the youngest:** THEY WOULD BE TRAUMATIZED BY IT!!

**smol and angry:** which band should we do for V??

**dead people:** i think we should do LM >:))

**famous lady:** what does "LM" stand for??

**sees dead people:** maybe the band is called LeMon?? 

**the youngest:** thats not what it stands for 

**the youngest:** AND NO DONT MAKE THEM LISTEN TO LM!!!!!

**smol and angry:** too late >:)

 **smol and angry:** which song Ben: "ssafm" or "cmiycml"??

**dead people:** do cmiycml!!! >:D

 **dead people:** send them a lyric video tho!!

 **dead people:** make their experience better >:D

**the youngest:** NO PLS IM BEGGING YOU GUYS NOT TO DO IT!!!!!

**smol and angry:** >:D 

**[smol and angry has sent a link to a video called "Catch Me If You Can- LeATHERMØUTH lyrics]**

**dead people:** >:)

**the youngest:** NOOOOO

**ape man:** I have no words. 

**famous lady:** wow that was....something else

**knife b0i:** i think my ears are bleeding from all the screaming 

**sees dead people:** wait

 **sees dead people:** he didnt actually think that was a way to God did he??

**the youngest:** no!!

 **the youngest:** its about Jack The Ripper 

**the youngest:** ig its in Jack's pov 

**knife b0i:** wasnt there a rumor that Jack never got caught??

**the youngest:**....not a rumor 

**the youngest:** he was never caught

**ape man:** At least he doesn't have any other songs from a murder's point of view, right? 

**the youngest:**....

**smol and angry:** how about we listen to "5th Period Massacre" next?? 

**dead people:** sounds like a plan 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're interested in knowing what i listen to daily, its; leathermouth, my chemical romance, some greenday, some blink-182, some linkin park, some fiatc songs, one fiatp song, a gerard solo project song, and yeah thats really just it. leathermouth and mcr are my top 2 tho 
> 
> lol sorry but uhhhh IT IS FRANK IERO'S BIRTHDAY, THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSERY OF MCR GETTING BACK TOGETHER, AND HALLOWEEN HFDJKFHLKASDHFODSJFK
> 
> also please remember i project too much onto vanya and im not sorry for it, fight me :]


	4. damnit, we lost Vanya at the store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vanya is tiny and taking a tiny person to a place with a lot of people isnt a good idea (even worse if their phone is dead)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi: vanya is "o scary one" i forgot to add that their name got changed in the last chapter!! 
> 
> also uhhhhh how was your Halloween??

**ape man:** Ok guys, does everyone know when we're meeting up at?

**sees dead people:** at some time you assigned??

**smol and angry:** in a few hours?

**ape** **man:** No, we're meeting up in ten minutes. 

**the worst sister ever:** what?? but im having fun trying on dresses!!

**ape man:** We only came for groceries, then you guys wanted to walk around so I gave you guys thirty minutes. 

**knife b0i:** we probably should go...

**smol and angry:** why??

**the worst sister ever:** what did you do now??

**knife b0i:** im getting looked at funny

**knife b0i:**... and im in the knife section 

**ape man:** Seriously, Diego?

**the worst sister ever:** i thought we agreed that you wouldnt go near the knifes?? >:(

**knife b0i:** dont you go mother hen on me again!!

**the worst sister ever:** i have a good reason to go mother hen on you again!!!!

**knife b0i:** YOU GAVE ME 3 DIFFERENT LECTURES TODAY 

**knife b0i:** ONE BEFORE WE LEFT

**knife b0i:** ONE IN THE CAR

**knife b0i:** AND ONE WHEN WE CAME IN THE STORE

**sees dead people:** THE ONE IN THE CAR WAS FUNNY THO 

**knife b0i:** i will stab you with one of the knifes here -_-

**ape man:** Okay, can we leave now? I need to pay for these groceries. 

**smol and angry:** fine

**dead people:** where do you want us to meet up at?? 

**ape man:** Meet up by the exit. 

**sees dead people:** sir yes sir

**knife b0i:** k

**the worst sister ever:** okayyyy :(

**smol and angry:** whatever 

**[smol and angry has put o scary one in private chat]**

**smol and angry:** hey v we've gotta go

**smol and angry:** where are you at??

**smol and angry:** Vanya??

**smol and angry:** hello???

**smol and angry:** has anyone seen Vanya??

**the worst sister ever:** not since we got here

**the worst sister ever:** why??

**knife b0i:** did we lose Vanya?

**smol and angry:** i think we did 

**sees dead people:** did you try texting V??

**smol and angry:** not answering 

**ape man:** Did you try calling her? 

**smol and angry:** no, let me try that 

**[smol and angry has called o scary one]**

**[smol and angry has called o scary one]**

**[smol and angry has called o scary one]**

**smol and angry:** straight to voicemail everytime 

**dead people:** let me try

**[dead people has called o scary one]**

**[dead people has called o scary one]**

**[dead people has called o scary one]**

**[dead people has called o scary one]**

**dead people:** no answer 

**ape man:** Spread out and look for her while I pay for this stuff.

**knife b0i:** what sections would Vanya like??

**smol and angry:** music, art, mens clothing, possibly the toys, and books

**the worst sister ever:** toys??

**dead people:** Vanya likes looking at toys

**sees dead people:** and IM a child??

**smol and angry:** can we just find Vanya now please??!!

**knife b0i:** awww is someone worried about their little sister??

**the worst sister ever:** thats so sweet of you Five!!!

**smol and angry:** both of you stfu and look for Vanya

**ape man:** I'm going to put the stuff in the car. Let me know when you find her.

**dead people:** got it

**sees dead people:** Vanny isnt in the toy section

**the worst sister ever:** no sign of her in the art section

**knife b0i:** checked all in the mens section and didnt find her

**knife b0i:** i did find little kids hiding in the clothes tho

**dead people:** not in the music section either

**smol and angry:** i didnt find Vanya either

**ape man:** Well, where else would she go in the store?

**smol and angry:** wait

**smol and angry:** you guys heard that correctly too right?

**the worst sister ever:** when did you have a kid Five??

**smol and angry:** i dont??

**sees dead people:** did you ever think that its probably ickle Vanya?

**smol and angry:** ill go check

**ape man:** Was it her, Five?

**smol and angry:** good news, i found Vanya

**smol and angry:** bad news, Vanya's phone has been dead since we got here

**knife b0i:** that makes sense then

**ape man:** Alright then, let's go.

**[the worst sister ever has changed o scary one name to "fives child"]**

**[the worst sister ever has changed smol and angry name to "vanyas dad"]**

**vanyas dad:** you really are the worst sister ever

**the worst sister ever:** >:) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha my brain goes brrrr like 824275802 times a day, which is how i came up with this
> 
> anyways... gorge yourselves on Halloween candy because nobody can stop you 
> 
> also rip me i go physical therapy on Thursday because my spine is a straight as i am (its not)


	5. diego and vanya hanging out together?? more likely then youd think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> diego and vanya are driving around town... well, that was until vanya falls asleep in the car because they didnt get any that whole week (five learns something new and is P I S S E D )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *drinks sprite*  
> me: this is very sparky  
> me: i l o v e i t 
> 
> also catch me not knowing wtf a strainer is and starting a strainer cult with 5 other tumblr mutuals (happened on my fandom tumblr: lesbeansfandoms) 
> 
> anyways, if any of the strainer cult members are reading this, uhhhhh i still dont know why strainers are used except for spaghetti 
> 
> also this is more angst because im gay and sad (quoted by my friend who is also in the strainer cult)

**[knife b0i has attached image]**

**knife b0i:** weve only been out for 15 mins and her bitch ass fell asleep -_- 

**vanyas dad:** JLKDGFHLK

 **vanyas dad:** YALL MY CHILD I- 

**vanyas dad:** WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS

**the worst sister ever:** aweeee she looks so precious :,)

**ape man:** You didn't kill her, did you?

**knife b0i:** NO!!!

 **knife b0i:** besides im not one for killing my siblings

**ape man:** I didn't kill her!

**sees dead people:** to be fair

 **sees dead people:** i saw their ghost for a few minutes so...

**the worst sister ever:** OMFG

 **the worst sister ever:** PLS SAY YOURE KIDDING 

**sees dead people:** i dont joke about seeing ghosts

 **sees dead people:** ESPECIALLY WITH FAMILY 

**dead people:** hes not lying 

**vanyas dad:** wtf are you guys talking about???

**sees dead people:** Five....

**dead people:** umm

**the worst sister ever:** its better if you dont know..

**knife b0i:** if we tell you youll go assassin mode

**ape man:** Five, it was a bad judgement call!

**vanyas dad:** what 

**vanyas dad:** did 

**vanyas dad:** you 

**vanyas dad:** do 

**ape man:** I swear I didn't mean to! I wasn't thinking properly and I was angry!

**sees dead people:** you were only angry bc it happened to Allison 

**knife b0i:** look Five we tried to get him to change his mind and he wouldnt!!!

**the worst sister ever:** i even tried and i couldnt get him to change his mind!!!!

**vanyas dad:** Diego, is Vanya awake?

**knife b0i:** just woke up a minute ago 

**knife b0i:** she seems out of it 

**vanyas dad:** k 

**[vanyas dad has put fives child in a private chat]**

**vanyas dad:** V

**fives child:**?

**vanyas dad:** what happened between you and Luther??

**fives child:** wdym

**vanyas dad:** the others are talking about trying to convince Luther to change his mind on something??

 **vanyas dad:** but i guess not even Allison could change his mind

 **vanyas dad:** what happened and when was it??!!

**fives child:** uh oh 

**fives child:** youre gonna be pissed

 **fives child:** BUT YOU CANT KILL LUTHER OKAY IT REALLY WAS MY FAULT AND I DONT BLAME HIM ANYMORE!!!!

**vanyas dad:** w h a t 

**vanyas dad:** h a p p e n e d 

**fives child:** you remember before you took us back how Allison had the bandage on her throat?

**vanyas dad:** yeah??

**fives child:** well she came to l**n*rds cabin to try and get me to leave

 **fives child:** and she was saying all this stuff about him and how she rumored my powers away when we were 4 and other stuff i didnt want to hear

 **fives child:** i kept getting angry and i ended up yelling at her

 **fives child:** and she was about to rumor me again

 **fives child:** i dont remember what happened but next thing i know shes bleeding from her throat and i was screaming

 **fives child:** and l**n*rd dragged me back to his house

**vanyas dad:** shit v why didnt you tell me??

**fives child:** i actually went back to the house after i killed l**n*rd

 **fives child:** and Luther found me by the stairs...

**vanyas dad:** and???

**fives child:** i told him what happened, all of it 

**fives child:** i told him i didnt meant to 

**fives child:** then he hugged me...

 **fives child:**...that was until he started choking me out

**vanyas dad:** HE DID WHAT??!!

**fives child:** i remember dying for a little bit 

**fives child:** God was a little girl on a bike who did not seem to like me 

**fives child:** then i remember waking up in the cell dad used to put me in 

**fives child:** everyone was trying to get me out but Luther wouldnt let them 

**fives chilld:** then i blew up the house...

**vanyas dad:** that FUCKER 

**[Family Group Chat]**

**vanyas dad:** okay um 1 WHAT THE FUCK LUTHER

**ape man:** I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking clearly, and I was mad! 

**fives child:** Five im okay now

**vanyas dad:** I AM VERY MAD WTF 

**knife b0i:** look you took us back and Luther hasnt tried to hurt us since

**the worst sister ever:** and Vanya has her powers in control!!

**vanyas child:** BUT- STILL!!!!

**knife b0i:** look we've been protective of her and nobody has tried to hurt her!!

**fives child:** okay sorry to change the subject but i cant help it 

**fives child:** also because i dont like to think about that because it keeps me up at night 

**fives child:** anyways im agender and i use they/them pronouns and yeah 

**fives child:** aight im passing out again goodnight 

**knife b0i:** aaaand Vanya's asleep again 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe cliffhanger because i hate myself and i dont want this chapter to be longer than what it probably already is >:( 
> 
> uhhh i might be starting to go punk but aesthetics confuse me so im not so sure
> 
> hmmmmm my brain goes brr but cant produce content haha rip me but anyways,,, zoom is a bitch for not letting me in classes today and i will fight zoom if it happens tomorrow
> 
> also uhhh old man vs old man is still going on so if one old man wins i cant have a wife but if the other old man wins i will not leave my house for DAYS just so i dont get attacked by other old man's supporters :/ 
> 
> also go anarchy because i said so and uhhh im in a tumblr cult so....


	6. hey, they (we support you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reactions to vanya coming out as agender (coming out was previous chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pt2 of the cliffhanger from last chapter because uhhhh idk i just hate myself and decided i wanted to write now (its 2am for me and im out of it so yeah)
> 
> also im doing this based on how i felt when i was questioning my gender and now that i know im agender!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> uhhh anyways this wont be updated much until next week bc i have physical therapy going on and school is killing me bc im not understanding directions/instructions and im forgetting practically everything (idek who i am or if the person in the reflection is actually me) 
> 
> right anyways enjoy this 2am shit my brain warped up

**the worst sister ever:** so, Vanya's agender

**the worst sister ever:** and uses they/them pronouns 

**sees dead people:** thats literally what they just said 

**ape man:** So, what does that mean exactly?

**sees dead people:** it means v uses they/them pronouns and is agender????

**vanyas dad:** what he means is that Vanya does not have a gender

**vanyas dad:** just doesnt feel like any gender

**vanyas dad:** and they dont like the idea of gender

**vanyas dad:** so no gender for v 

**knife b0i:** so v is just a person who doesnt use gender???

**dead people:** ye 

**ape man:** I still don't understand? How did Vanya know that they were agender?

**sees dead people:** vanny once came to me when we were younger

**sees dead people:**...i was high tho 

**the worst sister ever:** what happened when Vanya came to you??

**sees dead people:** they were crying and they came to me for help 

**knife b0i:** Vanya came to YOU for help with something???

**sees dead people:** yes ANYWAYS 

**sees dead people:** Vanny came in my room crying in their pjs 

**sees dead people:** it was like midnight??

**ape man:** What does that have to do with the story?

**dead people:** he'll get there if you LET HIM 

**sees dead people:** V came in crying about how they didnt "feel right" when wearing the skirts

**sees dead people:** and that whenever they tried to be more girly, they felt like it was an act

**sees dead people:** they didnt feel right wearing the skirts or wearing anything girly 

**sees dead people:** they said that whenever they put on the skirt, it felt like something was wrong

**the worst sister ever:** is that why they wouldnt let me do anything girly with them unless it was rumored??

**sees dead people:** yes, anyways Vanya thought that they were "broken"

**sees dead people:** like wearing anything more girly like skirts, dresses, blouses made them feel like they werent in their skin 

**sees dead people:** i had let vanya try on my uniform shorts and they said they still felt like something was missing 

**sees dead people:** so i let vanya have the new pair of my boxers and they said they felt better 

**sees dead people:** more like themselves, so thats probably how they realized 

**ape man:** Oh, okay. 

**vanyas dad:** does everyone understand??

**knife b0i:** yep 

**the worst sister ever:** yeah 

**ape man:** Yes. 

**vanyas dad:** thats good

**dead people:** does anyone in here NOT support them?

**the worst sister ever:** i support them

**knife b0i:** same here

**ape man:** I'll always support them. 

**fives child:** thx guys <3 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hgnnnnnnn im vvvvv tired but yeahhhhhhhh
> 
> hmm, uhh, my back is starting to hurt but my room was taken by some family members so i have to sleep on the floor in the pitch black with silence and in sweats (i wear shorts to bed but none of my family knows i have harm scars so yikes rip me) 
> 
> right uhmm,,,,give me tips on ways to trick my brain into not eating bc ive been binging and i hate myself for it and just ughhhh make me stop eating pleaseeeee


	7. please go to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vanya doesnt sleep, everyone tells them to sleep, secret that vanya is also a stoner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmmm sorry its been forever but I've had physical therapy and lots of school work so ive just been dying lmaoo
> 
> uhh, i put down my dog ive had since i was 1 on Wednesday and i miss her :( 
> 
> anyways, this is shit and yeah try to enjoy ig

**fives child:** guysssssss 

**fives child:** im boreddddd 

**vanyas dad:** wtf its only 8am????

**fives child:** yea but im bored :( 

**the worst sister ever:** how long have you been awake for??

**fives child:** 24 hours but thats not important

**fives child:** im 

**fives child:** b o r e d

**knife b0i:** dude wtf

**ape man:** Vanya go to sleep. 

**fives child:** no<3

**sees dead people:** cmon van 

**the worst sister ever:** yeah sleep is good for you!!

**dead people:** go to sleep please??

**vanyas dad:** seriously go tf to sleep

**fives child:** whyyyyyyyyy

**knife b0i:** bc sleep is good for you 

**sees dead people:** vanny come hang in my room!!! 

**sees dead people:** we can listen to music!!! 

**fives child:** okay!! 

**ape man:** Klaus, what are you doing?

**the worst sister ever:** klaus???

**dead people:** hes got it covered just give him a minute

**vanyas dad:** hes got what covered?!

**sees dead people:** got them to sleep!! :D

**knife b0i:** how exactly???

**sees dead people:** ...would you believe me if i said im not the only stoner in the family??

**vanyas dad:** KLAUS!!!!!

**sees dead people:** IT GOT THEM TO SLEEP ITS OKAY!!!!

**ape man:** What did you give them?

**sees dead people:** just weed i swear!!! 

**dead people:** i tried telling him not to…

**the worst sister ever:** smh 

**sees dead people:** oh so very sorry mother 

**sees dead people:** oooo wait!!!

**[sees dead people has changed the worst sister ever name to 'mother hen']**

**mother hen:** stfu 

**sees dead people:** love you too <3 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhhhh please leave requests??? please???? 
> 
> anyways, im giving a song rec so go listen to "im a mess" by frank iero and the patience bc i love it <3
> 
> could i also get some support on this?? or maybe criticism?? idk comments please???
> 
> alright im annoying bye now <3


	8. smile for the embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> siblings have blackmail pictures/videos of each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, sorry for my break thing. 
> 
> ha lol this is shit and i couldnt be bothered to care anymore
> 
> anyways, enjoy this trash :]

**mother hen:** hey five, remember that time at Griddys you hate talking about??? 

**vanyas dad:** ….why 

**[mother hen has sent a photo in chat]**

**mother hen:** heres you spilling your coffee >:) 

**vanyas dad:** bITCH **-**

**fives child:** kcnajd you look funny in that pic five 

**vanyas dad:** stfu :)

**sees dead people:** ive got a better picture 

**sees dead people:** but its of luther >:) 

**ape man:** Wait. What picture? 

**sees dead people:** one word

**sees dead people:** sleeping :))

**ape man:** You took a picture of me sleeping?! 

**fives child:** omg 

**fives child:** senditsenditsenditsendit 

**fives child:** i need to see this!!!

**knife b0i:** do it Klaus 

**vanyas dad:** how bad is it??

**sees dead people:** not that bad

**sees dead people:** sending it rn 

**[sees dead people has sent an image to chat]**

**kinfe b0i:** LUTHERS A PILLOW DROOLER 

**dead people:** that was rude Klaus

**sees dead people:** yeah but look at how peaceful he looks 

**ape man:** Delete it!

**fives child:** send it to me!!! 

**ape man:** Vanya! 

**fives child:** sorry but not really :) 

**mother hen:** awee luther its not a bad pic!!

**knife b0i:** totally didnt ss this for my luther blackmail folder

**ape man:** Diego! What the hell?!

**sees dead people:** uh oh luther cursed for once

**fives child:** i think hes mad lol

**dead people:** smh you two share half of a braincell 

**fives child:** hEY- 

**sees dead people:** no no, hes got a point 

**[vanyas dad has sent an image to the chat]**

**sees dead people:** HEY THAT WAS WHEN I WAS STEALING MORE OF ALLISONS SKIRTS 

**mother hen:** klaus i-

**mother hen:** you cant just ASK for my skirts??? 

**sees dead people:** no<3 

**fives child:** haha sucks for you allie

**mother hen:** oh dont think youre safe yet v 

**fives child:** s h i t 

**[mother hen has sent a video to chat]**

**ape man:** That's why there were footprints on the counter?!

**vanyas dad:** you couldnt use a ladder or smth???

**fives child:** stfu five we're the same height

**vanyas dad:** i literally will kill you 

**sees dead people:** ooooooo

**ape man:** Guys, please stop. 

**knife b0i:** hmmm no 

**mother hen:** sorry luthor, but no

**dead people:** no thx

**vanyas dad:** nope 

**fives child:** nah 

**sees dead people:** lol no??

**ape man:** Alright then. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha heyyy....
> 
> sorry for that break. my mental health is really low and i had lost my motivation to write, and school was killing me.
> 
> anyways, i have break starting tomorrow and im very happy. ill be off school for 3 weeks, but ill have fam over still. 
> 
> right, well...uhhh bully me to write something ig


	9. gala gala gala gala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> allisons got a charity gala, and outfit choices are messy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to @Goldentigerlily for the suggestion!! 
> 
> uhhh this is kinda a mesz but whatever its 1:35am here and I was half watching criminal minds too

**mother hen:** GUYS I HAVE A CHARITY GALA AND YOURE ALL COMING 

**vanyas dad:** a what??

**mother hen:** A CHARITY GALA 

**sees dead people:** people dress nice and meet other famous people and donate to charities 

**vanyas dad:** ah ok

**mother hen:** YES AND YOURE ALL GOING AND YOU ALL NEED TO DRESS NICE 

**knife b0i:** theres NO WAY im wearing a suit

**fives child:** and theres NO WAY im wearing a dress or a skirt 

**sees dead people:** OOO ILL WEAR A DRESS 

**sees dead people:** COULD I WEAR A DRESS??!!!

**ape man:** How are we going to all get there? 

**dead people:** wheres it at??

**vanyas dad:** when do we have to leave?? 

**mother hen:** okay okay hold on

**mother hen:** 1- yes diego you have to wear a suit

**mother hen:** 2- okay van you can wear a suit if you want 

**mother hen:** 3 - fine klaus you can wear a dress but NOT MINE 

**mother hen:** 4 - we're flying out there and i have tickets already 

**mother hen:** 5 - its in LA 

**mother hen: 6-** we'll have to leave in 4 days 

**mother hen:** everyone good?

**sees dead people:** IVE GOT AN AMAZING DRESS I COULD WEAR 

**knife b0i:** ughhh i hate suits tho >:( 

**ape man:** Why are we just learning about this? 

**fives child:** haha rip diego 

**knife b0i:** fuck off vanya 

**fives child:** ah yes, the soundtrack of my childhood :) 

**sees dead people:** NDJSHS OMG NO-

**dead people:** vanya we've talked about this…

**vanyas dad:** leave my child alone

**vanyas dad:** theyre a little sad 

**fives child:** lmaoo whoops 

**mother hen:** ……

**sees dead people:** vanya you share my kind of humor 

**sees dead people:** get help 

**fives child:** JDJSHFOS

**fives child:** anyways back to the gala 

**mother hen:** alright so klaus and i are the only ones going in a dress and the rest of you are in suits

**ape man:** Wait, why are we just learning about the gala? 

**mother hen:** i just wanted it to be a surprise :/

**sees dead people:** and it was an AMAZING surprise!! 

**fives child:** it really was!! 

**mother hen:** thanks guys <3 

**knife b0i:** can i please just wear my leather suit???

**mother hen:** ughhh fine 

**knife b0i:** :)

**mother hen:** no knifes 

**knife b0i:** >:( 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone had a safe and happy holidays!! and hope everyone has a safe and happy new years too!! 
> 
> hmmmm ✨mcr color by number coloring book✨
> 
> oh i made a spotify playlist with mcr songs and their solo projects, so if you want the link just let me know and ill send ya the link!!


	10. e v I l

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ben and diego bond and diego realizes ben is evil >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to @Artistic_Arteries for the prompt >:) 
> 
> hopefully this didnt disappoint 
> 
> lol anyways enjoy

**[dead people has added knife b0i to a private chat]**

**dead people:** hey. wanna help me prank everyone?? 

**knife b0i:** hell yeah!! 

**dead people:** nicee 

**dead people:** i was thinking of starting with who would kill us least to most 

**knife b0i:** alright, who were u gonna start with?? 

**dead people:** hmm…. either klaus or allison 

**dead people:** that seem right???

**knife b0i:** yea

**knife b0i:** id say to start with klaus 1st 

**knife b0i:** he'd just laugh at the prank 

**dead people:** lol yeah 

**knife b0i:** alright so its klaus then allison rn 

**dead people:** ye 

**knife b0i:** maybe luthor after allison??

**dead people:** that might be our safer option,, but luthor could accidentally kill us 

**knife b0i:** ok, so Van after Alli??

**dead people:** seems safer for us 

**knife b0i:** lmaoo 

**dead people:** alright so its klaus, allison, vanya, luthor, then five 

**dead people:** it seems good to me

**knife b0i:** yeah 

**knife b0i:** howre we pranking them?? 

**knife b0i:** ive got a good one for luthor >:)

**dead people:** if it involves stabbing him, then you cant do it 

**knife b0i:** i wasnt gonna but that wouldve been better >:(

**dead people:** what did you have in mind then?? 

**knife b0i:** ...i was gonna cover his room with monocles 

**dead people:** i- 

**dead people:** wait 

**dead people:** thats not so bad 

**knife b0i:** hehe >:)) 

**dead people:** okok, whos prank are we figuring out next???

**knife b0i:** Allison's

**dead people:** oooo i was thinking of swapping her breath spray with her perfume 

**knife b0i:** ben hargreeves you are amazingly evil 

**dead people:** oh i know >:D

**dead people:** alright now who??

**knife b0i:** Five 1000% 

**knife b0i:** hide either the coffee or coffee machine from him 

**knife b0i:** but itll be in his room 

**dead people:** kdbsjd amazing 

**knife b0i:** oooo i got one for dear Vanya 

**dead people:** uh oh

**dead people:** what is it?? 

**knife b0i:** fake bugs in their violin case >:) 

**dead people:** oooo they would freak out 

**dead people:** oh i got one for klaus!!!!

**knife b0i:** hmm??

**dead people:** replace his eyeliner with colored pencils???

**knife b0i:** that'll work!!

**dead people:** bro you have no idea how much i missed this 

**knife b0i:** that boring being dead?

**dead people:** yeah :/ 

**dead people:** i mean i could walk around and hang with klaus

**dead people:** but it was just terrible seeing him do drugs and drink a lot 

**knife b0i:** im sorry Ben 

**dead people:** its alright

**dead people:** im alive again so its all good :) 

**knife b0i:** im glad youre back man :) 

**dead people:** alrighty lets start setting up the pranks now 

**dead people:** remember it goes: klaus, allison, vanya, luthor, then five 

**dead people:** got it?

**knife b0i:** sir yes sir 

**knife b0i:** we're not pranking each other are we??

**dead people:** nope!! we're working together!! 

**knife b0i:** cool 

  
  


**[the smart ones]**

**dead people:** you guys put the pink dye in diegos shampoo and conditioner right?? 

**fives child:** you know it 

**vanyas dad:** yep 

**dead people:** what about the knifes??

**vanyas dad:** all hidden 

**fives child:** yep 

**dead people:** oh hes gonna kill us 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im late but happy new years!!
> 
> also i had 2 monsters today and the watermelon monster is yummy 
> 
> uhhhhh anyways yeah ummm you can drop off prompts at my fandom tumblr @lesbeansfandoms :/ 
> 
> okay uhhh goodnight


	11. new names >:)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hargreeves get new chat names and change the name of their gc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooo whats up?? im back!!! 
> 
> ok so my mental health is ehhhh and im trying but oh well. 
> 
> anyways, enjoy this ig!!

**mother hen:** hey

**mother hen:** hey 

**mother hen:** guys 

**mother hen:** im gonna change everyones name 

**[mother hen has changed ape man's name to m00n]**

**[mother hen has changed knife b0i's name to PINK HAIR]**

**[mother hen has changed their name to the bestest]**

**[mother hen has changed sees dead people's name to pan with no plan]**

**[mother hen has changed vanyas dad's name to chiwawa]**

**[mother hen has changed dead people's name to the holy ghost]**

**[mother hen has changed fives child's name to awkward lesbian]**

**the bestest:** >:D 

**PINK HAIR:** i hate u all 

**chiwawa:** wtf?? why this for my name???

**pan with no plan:** OOOH I GET IT FKSJDKSKE

**m00n:** Klaus, what was that?

**pan with no plan:** a keysmash?? 

**pan with no plan:** why?? 

**m00n:** Does it mean anything? 

**pan with no plan:** lol no 

**chiwawa:** again, why this name?!?!

**awkward lesbian:** bc ur short and angry djsjs 

**chiwawa:** …i hate you all 

**PINK HAIR:** welcome to the club 

**the holy ghost:** holy ghost?? 

**the bestest:** y e s 

**the holy ghost:** but y tho??

**the bestest:** because <3 

**th holy ghost:** -_-

**awkward lesbian:** oh no. now hes gonna haunt u 4ever 

**the holy ghost:** ur next Van 

**awkward lesbian:** u wouldnt do that to ur fave agender sibling :( 

**m00n:** But, you're the only agender sibling. 

**chiwawa:** thats the point

**awkward lesbian:** jfisjdjdjshhhhhh

**PINK HAIR:** whats with the keysmashes 

**pan with no plan:** :)

**awkward lesbian:** :) 

**the bestest:** SECRET COMMUNICATION?!

**awkward lesbian:** no…

**pan with no plan:** we would NEVER….

**the holy ghost:** yall are so dumb lmaooo

**pan with no plan:** shut up ben kdksjwidja

**the holy ghost:** srry, i dont speak gay 

**awkward lesbian:** LRJAIDJAI BEN NO 

**pan with no plan:** T R A I T O R 

**chiwawa:** you made the gays angry 

**the bestest:** oh no 

**m00n:** What? 

**PINK HAIR:** careful ben. they'll dye ur hair pink too 

**the holy ghost:** ...i may have been the one who told them to do that 

**PINK HAIR:** …

**chiwawa:** technically it was me and vanya but ive got something important to say about it 

**PINK HAIR:** which is???

**chiwawa:** two words 

**chiwawa:** ha 

**chiwawa:** ha 

**PINK HAIR:** i hate u all 

**awkward lesbian:** we love u too :) 

**pan with no plan:** yesss bgaagjyrd 

**PINK HAIR:** oh ive got a great gc name 

**the bestest:** what is it??

**[PINK HAIR: has changes the chat name to B I T C H E S]**

**m00n:** Diego, no. 

**PINK HAIR:** diego, yes 

**pan with no plan:** good for u diego!! 

**m00n:** No, Klaus. Not good for Diego!

**PINK HAIR:** dont be jealous just cuz im cool B) 

**awkward lesbian:** this family's amazing sometimes 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fjsofjsofjsifjskfns hiiiiiii 
> 
> ok so i have something planned with diego the next chapter >:)
> 
> uhhh i kinda want to write about Criminal Minds (im rewatching it from when i was younger and im on s6) 
> 
> anyways, come chat on my Tumblr!! im found @suffering-lesbian and @lesbeansfandoms!!


	12. 1 gay, 2 gays, 3 gays?? huh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay number 1: klaus 
> 
> gay number 2: vanya 
> 
> gay number 3: theres a 3rd??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you noted what i put in the last chapter's end note, you can guess whats going on >:)
> 
> and also yall deserve 2 in 1 day <3

**[PINK HAIR has added pan with no plan and awkward lesbian in a chat]**

**PINK HAIR:** ok i gotta tell u guys smth 

**pan with no plan:** what is it?? 

**awkward lesbian:** is everything ok?

**PINK HAIR:** im only telling u 2 so dont say anything to anyone. got it?

**awkward lesbian:** ofc!!

**pan with no plan:** i swear on dearest daddy's grave i, Klaus Hargreeves, wont tell anyone what youre about to tell us 

**awkward lesbian:** bruh 

**PINK HAIR:** i- 

**PINK HAIR:** can we not be a normal family for 1 second??

**pan with no plan:** pfttt no 

**awkward lesbian:** ...youve met us right??

**PINK HAIR:** yea yea 

**pan with no plan:** so, what was the *big secret*???

**PINK HAIR:** idk how to say it…

**awkward lesbian:** thats ok 

**pan with no plan:** r u a keysmasher??

**PINK HAIR:** a what?

**awkward lesbian:** its his way of asking if ur gay 

**pan with no plan:** ^^^^

**PINK HAIR:** ahhh ok 

**PINK HAIR:** and...i may be bi 

**awkward lesbian:** KFBFJAJDOW 

**awkward lesbian:** IM PROUD OF U NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

**pan with no plan:** AYEEE WELCOME TO THE GAY CLUB!!!!

**PINK HAIR:** ...sometimes, i wish we could react to things normally 

**pan with no plan:** you wound us Diego 

**awkward lesbian:** *dies* 

**PINK HAIR:** wtf?? 

**awkward lesbian:** but seriously diego, we wont tell anyone 

**awkward lesbian:** we're proud of u!!

**pan with no plan:** coming out is as scary as cranky Five 

**pan with no plan:** and you're very brave for coming out 

**PINK HAIR:** but?? u guys make it seem so easy??? 

**pan with no plan:** trust me dear bro of mine,,, coming out is a bitch 

**awkward lesbian:** it is. especially coming out for ur sexuality and ur gender. it's terrifying

**PINK HAIR:** does it get easier? the coming out to people? 

**awkward lesbian:** yea!! 

**pan with no plan:** after a while, u forget u have to tell people ur not straight or cis 

**pan with no plan:** but it gets so much easier!! 

**awkward lesbian:** coming out feels like a big weight being lifted off my chest 

**PINK HAIR:** thats what i felt after telling u guys 

**pan with no plan:** thats good!!! 

**PINK HAIR:** so...can i learn the gay language?? 

**awkward lesbian:** YES FKSBDKAJRKWJ 

**PINK HAIR:** ok, so what do i do?

**pan with no plan:** just hit a bunch of keys at a fast pace 

**pan with no plan:** for example 

**pan with no plan:** ktjapdhaofbaldja

**PINK HAIR:** so they literally mean nothing??

**pan with no plan:** yep!

**awkward lesbian:** its like a gay person's laughing emoji 

**PINK HAIR:** hmm that makes sense 

**PINK HAIR:** so like this

**PINK HAIR:** leiahdka 

**awkward lesbian:** perfectly done!! 

**pan with no plan:** youve got the hang of it! 

**PINK HAIR:** i think i like the keysmashes better fkshsksjd 

**awkward lesbian:** ktkshfosjriw nicee 

**pan with no plan:** ayee flshdkshdkshd 

**PINK HAIR:** KFJSKDJSKFJEPFKR

**awkward lesbian:** LFHSODHSODHSKDHSK

**pan with no plan:** MXJAKFHSKDHSKS

  
  


**[B I T C H E S]**

**the holy ghost:** istfg i can hear you 3 being loud 

**pan with no plan:** whoops ckzjaks 

**awkward lesbian:** nfkshdisjfks 

**PINK HAIR:** mdkahdoshri 

**the holy ghost:** go to sleep you heathens 

**awkward lesbian:** fineeeee 

**pan with no plan:** ok DAD 

**PINK HAIR:** ughhhh gn 

**the holy ghost:** g'night 

**the holy ghost:** DID YALL TEACH DIEGO HOW TO KEYSMASH WTF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me to diego: bi bi bi 
> 
> haha yes diego is bi. no i wont take criticism. its my fic and my hc jcosjdkajs
> 
> anyways... i got school tomorrow so uhhh gn!!


	13. gays chat once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> diego chooses violence when he changes the gc name between him, vanya, and Klaus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this during asl class xjskxjzjx
> 
> anyways, uhhhh i cried last night over a history project that i ended up doing at 11pm and turned it in 6 minutes late 
> 
> well enjoy. or don't. idk

**[awkward lesbian, pan with no plan, PINK HAIR]**

**PINK HAIR:** this chat needs a better name 

**awkward lesbian:** yeahhh

**pan with no plan:** ooooo change it!!!!

**PINK HAIR:** ok ok hold up 

**[PINK HAIR has changed the chat name to 'emotionally stunned gays']**

**pan with no plan:** woooooow

**awkward lesbian:** *points gun* 

**awkward lesbian:** listen here bi- 

**PINK HAIR:** AM I WRONG!?

**pan with no plan:** NO BUT ITS STILL A CALLOUT 

**awkward lesbian:** HE WOKE UP AND CHOSE VIOLENCE 

**PINK HAIR:** me? choosing violence? never…..

**awkward lesbian:** mhmm -_-

**pan with no plan:** how can he violence with no knifes???

**awkward lesbian:** oh yeahhhh 

**awkward lesbian:** >:)

**PINK HAIR:** when can i get my knifes back btw??

**awkward lesbian:** u can have them back when i know u wont hurt or kill me 

**PINK HAIR:** hmmm fine 

**pan with no plan:** diego diego diego dieog 

**pan with no plan:** diego**

**PINK HAIR:** yea?

**pan with no plan:** u need a new chat name for this gc 

**awkward lesbian:** yessss!!

**awkward lesbian:** oooo ive got a name 

**PINK HAIR:** oh no 

**[awkward lesbian has changed PINK HAIR's name to bi with a knife]**

**bi with a knife:** mfmsndks nice 

**pan with no plan:** that works really well djsmsks

**awkward lesbian:** im the smartest one here 

**bi with a knife:** …

**pan with no plan:** …

**awkward lesbian:** wow 

**awkward lesbian:** i see how it is 

**pan with no plan:** ok but ur the 2nd smartest imo

**bi with a knife:** what about Ben??

**pan with no plan:** no<3

**awkward lesbian:** ooo wait i may not be the smartest out of everyone

**awkward lesbian:** but im the smartest gay sibling 

**pan with no plan:** lfnsifjwofjwor vanya whyyyy

**bi with a knife:** bro-

**bi with a knife:** kdkwnfkekf

**awkward lesbian:** kfmskdmekrm

**awkward lesbian:** im not sorry 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my brain: *Ray Toro's part in Honey This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us when he back up sings "we're not working out"* 
> 
> also my brain: mmmm potato salad 
> 
> ok im done being annoying. pls spam my comments bc its nice


	14. gays involved with straights once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ben: diego talks the gay language 
> 
> diego: ...no
> 
> also diego: kgbskfbsidjsj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i wrote a little while ago but when i cut it from the doc, i accidentally deleted it like a minute after :(
> 
> but i redid it!!! 
> 
> uh anyways, enjoy!!

**the holy ghost:** yall 

**the holy ghost:** the gays taught diego their language 

**m00n:** What does that mean? 

**the bestest:** it means they taught him how to keysmash 

**chiwawa:** the gays are taking over 

**the holy ghost:** im not surprised tbh 

**chiwawa:** i knew this day was going to come

**awkward lesbian:** KFJSOFJDO SHHHHHH

**pan with no plan:** HOW DO U KNOW THE GAY AGENDA?!?!?!?

**m00n:** You guys have a gay agenda?

**the bestest:** apparently so 

**the holy ghost:** diego get your ass in here and explain yourself with the keysmashing!!

**PINK HAIR:** no

**the holy ghost:** E X P L A I N ! !

**PINK HAIR:** N O ! !

**chiwawa:** so diego which gay taught you the gay language?

**awkward lesbian:** klaus

**pan with no plan:** vanya 

**the bestest:** so… who was it then??

**PINK HAIR:** yes 

**m00n:** That's not helping.

**PINK HAIR:** y e s 

**the holy ghost:** -_-

**pan with no plan:** vanya said they're the smartest sibling btw 

**chiwawa:** excUSE ME 

**awkward lesbian:** kfbsjdjsi klaus no!!

**m00n:** I'm the smartest sibling, obviously.

**PINK HAIR:** no 

**the holy ghost:** no 

**awkward lesbian:** no

**the bestest:** no 

**chiwawa:** no

**pan with no plan:** no 

**m00n:** Allison, you're supposed to be on my side!

**PINK HAIR:** rip luthor mdjskdbsks 

**the holy ghost:** GAY LANGUAGE !!!!!

**the bestest:** sorry Luthor

**the bestest:** and diego wtf??

**pan with no plan:** kfjsodjsifje

**awkward lesbian:** bdoshcishf

**chiwawa:** gays have taken over 

**chiwawa:** and IM the smartest one here 

**awkward lesbian:** no<3

**chiwawa:** vanya i will come for your knee caps 

**awkward lesbian:** yea if u can even reach them 

**the holy ghost:** vanya NOOOOO

**pan with no plan:** *plays big time rush theme* 

**m00n:** Rip Vanya. 

**PINK HAIR:** KFJEIDHDKDHSK

**the bestest:** why vanya, why??

**awkward lesbian:** wait five pls dont kill me

**chiwawa:** …

**awkward lesbian:** pls i was just kidding!!

**chiwawa:** …

**PINK HAIR:** vanya 

**awkward lesbian:** yea??

**PINK HAIR:** you might want to run…

**pan with no plan:** yeahhh 

**m00n:** Where is Vanya going to go? Five will find them. 

**the bestest:** yikes to vanya 

**chiwawa:** I'll give you a 5 minute headstart 

**awkward lesbian:** thank u jdksjfi

**chiwawa:** im regretting giving you a headstart :/

**awkward lesbian:** rip u :) 

**awkward lesbian:** WAIT PLS DONT TAKE AWAY MY HEADSTART 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi 
> 
> uhhhhh i got a thick bracelet (its supposed to be a watch but the watch isnt there) with 4 spikes on it zkshdisbjdns 
> 
> on an unrelated note, do you guys think that after mcr shows Mikey used to spray Gerard and Frank with a spray bottle and say "stop being so fucking horny"?? 
> 
> bc i think that it would've been funny if he did but oh well jdksnsns 
> 
> anyways give me prompts or links to weird quizzes/videos/posts


	15. ok ok...i kinda love u guys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hargreeves siblings realize that valentines day isnt just for romance and romantic love, its also for platonic love
> 
> or in their case......actually being ok with each other and not wanting to kill each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello u awesome people!! 
> 
> uhhh i dont really have much to say except for enjoy!!

**pan with no plan:** ITS VALENTINES DAY

**m00n:** Okay? And?

**pan with no plan:** WHERES MY CANDY AND CARDS 

**the bestest:** you dont have a bf or gf??

**the bestest:** how embarrassing lol 

**pan with no plan:** bitch- 

**PINK HAIR:** arent u single 2??

**the bestest:** shhh 

  
**chiwawa:** valentines day is just a sham for companies to make more money that hopeless romantics are willing to spend for someone who ends up breaking their heart 

**the holy ghost:** is that your way of saying youre also single?

**chiwawa:** shut up >:[ 

**awkward lesbian:** well to be fair, its better for people not to date us 

**pan with no plan:** EXCUSE YOU BUT ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO DATE ME

**the holy ghost:** more like traumatized but go off ig 

**PINK HAIR:** HFHDSJKFHDSHFUSHFFU

**chiwawa:** ouch 

**the bestest:** yikes... 

**m00n:** Rip Klaus.

**awkward lesbian:** LDFGDFGLFHFSOFTRTRH

**pan with no plan:** ben i will come for your kneecaps 

**chiwawa:** anyone who dated us would need therapy 

**m00n:** What do you mean? 

**awkward lesbian:** it means that we're very fucked up 

**chiwawa:** ^^

**the bestest:** thats true

**PINK HAIR:** yep 

**the holy ghost:** ye

**pan with no plan:** lol yeah it is 

**m00n:** Oh. 

**the bestest:** you know,,, valentines day isnt just for couples or for romantic stuff 

**awkward lesbian:** what are you thinking??

**the bestest:** that we can all go out to eat and give each other gifts or smth 

**pan with no plan:** hmm, i like that

**m00n:** That sounds like a great plan!

**PINK HAIR:** im down for it

**awkward lesbian:** same here

**awkward lesbian:** wbu Five??

**chiwawa:** well, since i actually kind of like you guys, ill agree 

**the bestest:** awww you like us :D

**chiwawa:** i will take it back 

**the bestest:** no take backsie!! :D

**chiwawa:** the shit i put up with you people smh 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentines day!! i appreciate all of u people!!
> 
> i did not have this pre-written so yeah 
> 
> also, i have a criminal minds ship and i dont know how it happened but it did and i cant get rid of it help 
> 
> oh yeah uhhh,, im questioning my pronouns (again), and its a pain >:( 
> 
> anyways, uhhhh bye! <3


	16. *sigh*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idek man, i made this up before my math zoom class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> youve got two options: 
> 
> you will like this chapter
> 
> or 
> 
> you wont like this chapter 
> 
> all on how you feel about this :/

**m00n:** Hey, guys? 

**the holy ghost:** yeah??

**m00n:** What is "mcr"? Vanya keeps talking about it 

**chiwawa:** youre hanging out with vanya??

**chiwawa:** good luck with that 

**pan with no plan:** did u just say "what is mcr"????

**m00n:** What? 

**pan with no plan:** mcr isnt a "what" 

**m00n:** Well, how am I supposed to know? 

**PINK HAIR:** dude....mcr is a rock band 

**m00n:** Oh. Okay. 

**the bestest:** where are you guys at anyways???

**pan with no plan:** and why werent we invited?!

**the holy ghost:** klaus no 

**pan with no plan:** klaus yes 

**chiwawa:** you probably werent invited bc you cant behave yourself in public settings 

**PINK HAIR:** hsfhshf damn dude 

**pan with no plan:** shut up shut up shut up shut up sh- 

**m00n:** Anyways, they dragged me to the mall. 

**chiwawa:** did you get dragged to Hot Topic too??

**m00n:** Yes. Why? 

**PINK HAIR:** bc vanya does that everytime they ask us to go to the mall with them 

**pan with no plan:** its kinda their way of saying "i trust you for some reason and you get to deal with my bs" 

**m00n:** Alright then. Thanks. 

**pan with no plan:** no problemo mi hermano!!

**the holy ghost:** tell them we say hi!!!

**m00n:** They're reading the chat right now. 

**awkward lesbian:** five i will beat you tf up >:(

**chiwawa:** good luck with that 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :/ 
> 
> i usually make upbeat-ish notes or whatever, but i just cant right now 
> 
> im really not doing ok at this point, and i might end this fic soon, idk yet 
> 
> school is kicking my ass, my mental state is shit, im just tired. 
> 
> anyways enough about my stupid vents, leave me something in the comments (or not. you dont have to)


	17. judgement free zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hargreeves are not judgemental and are good siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just finished my missing assignments and i started working on them at 11:45am and i finished them at 10pm (its now 10:44pm) and ughhhh 
> 
> alright hopefully you enjoy this

**m00n:** I have something I want to ask, but I'm kind of scared to ask you guys….

**the bestest:** is everything ok??

**m00n:** Yes, but I just wanted to ask something of you guys…

**chiwawa:** are you going to tell us?

**awkward lesbian:** be nice Five 

**pan with no plan:** KFHSKD GET TOLD

**the holy ghost:** shut up Klaus 

**PINK HAIR:** kfnsjdns rip Klaus 

**the bestest:** hey, stay on topic!!

**the bestest:** whats going on luthor??

**m00n:** I was just wondering...could you guys use tone indicators in your texts?

**chiwawa:** what are tone indicators?

**pan with no plan:** its something you add with sentences so someone knows the way its supposed to be taken 

**chiwawa:** can i have an example or..?

**pan with no plan:** ok heres an example

**pan with no plan:** ben sucks (/srs) 

**pan with no plan:** that means that what i said, i was being serious

**the bestest:** ohhh, that makes sense

**awkward lesbian:** another example would be: 

**awkward lesbian:** im a cishet (/j) 

**awkward lesbian:** this tells that i was joking 

**PINK HAIR:** wow...i never knew that before (/s) 

**m00n:** Wait, you guys already know tone indicators?

**PINK HAIR:** i didn't. i just looked them up 

**m00n:** Oh. So, you guys are cool with it? You're not going to judge me? 

**the holy ghost:** ofc not!! (/g)

**the bestest:** luthor, we're not gonna judge you for this (/srs) 

**awkward lesbian:** ^^^ 

**pan with no plan:** if it were ben, i would (/hj) 

**the holy ghost:** stfu 

**chiwawa:** i may not be up to speed with it, but im old and im trying to learn 

**awkward lesbian:** jdjsidjs old man Five (/t) 

**chiwawa:** shut. up (/th)

**awkward lesbian:** >:( 

**m00n:** So, you guys aren't going to ask why I want you guys to use tone indicators? 

**PINK HAIR:** do you want us to? (/gen)

**m00n:** Honestly? Not really. 

**the holy ghost:** thats fine!! you dont have to if you dont want to (/g) 

**m00n:** Cool. Thank you for understanding. 

**pan with no plan:** anything for family, right? (/gen) 

**PINK HAIR:** yep (/g)

**the bestest:** ofc!!

**chiwawa** : 100% (/srs) 

**the holy ghost:** anytime!! (/g) 

**awkward lesbian:** we're always here for you (/srs) 

**m00n:** Thanks, you guys. (/srs)

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi.....im going by he/they pronouns now
> 
> me 🤝🏻 Gerard Way   
>  using he/they pronouns 
> 
> sorry...ignore my joke
> 
> anyways, im tired. later!

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is literal trash :[   
> leave prompts/opinions on this if youd like !! :)


End file.
